There are many things in my life that depression does not let me see. I tend to focus on the negative, and has clouded the positive so it stays hidden. Ignored. While I was growing up, I felt ignored, overlooked, forgotten by everyone unless I was needed for some reason. Lonely. Even when surrounded by people. Those people felt like more foes than friends.
So I built the wall.
Sometimes it crumbled a bit. Sometimes it fell. But I always rebuilt it. Because I felt like I was surrounded by enemies. I needed to build a fortress. I stopped letting people in. That left me alone with my own worst enemy.
I am almost 34 years old. I have fought my own mind for so many years, I’m not even really sure if I’ve ever been any other way. I don’t remember. But that could be my mind being a dick.
I guess I should consider myself lucky. I’m now aware of my battle. There are some people who are in a war and don’t even know it. I think that used to be me. Hindsight is not always 20/20. I wear glasses. Blind as a bat without them. Ignorant to my fight, I thought I was just a miserable worthless cunt. (sorry if you hate that word) I thought I deserved every betrayal. I thought I was just destined to be alone, and unhappy, just used by others until I wasn’t needed anymore. I thought that was just my life.
After several recent discussions with doctors, we’ve come to the conclusion that mom’s death caused PTSD, and on top of the depression and anxiety I was already carrying, everything came to a head, and I crashed. Hard. More than once. And these… angels… in my life, swooped in and surrounded me. Chad, my friends, my coworkers, people from throughout my walks of life who never gave up on me, even though I had a hard time seeing it (sorry guys, sometimes I’m not too observant). So many people reached out to offer support and encouragement and help, I was overwhelmed. I thought I was alone in the world. Cast aside. Unnoticed. Unwanted. Well, I guess I was wrong.
I am damaged. It’s true. I have a hard time expressing my thoughts and feelings, because I’ve been so guarded for so long. I push I am trying. I don’t always succeed, but when I do, it’s pretty awesome. I’ve felt misunderstood for so long, when thoughts and emotions come through crystal clear, I treasure those moments, even even they leave me crying and blubbering.
I still hide a lot. I am not winning the fight at the moment. These past few weeks have been rough on me. My depression anxiety has led me to stress leave, again. I am not taking care of myself. I am trying, but I keep failing. I’m just… exhausted. I’m on a waiting list to get in to see a counselor or therapist with city mental health, and the doctors I’ve been seeing have changed my prescription, and have encouraged more exercise and hobbies, something simple like going for short walks or reading a book or baking. And I try, I can manage something for a day, and then I crumple into exhaustion all over again. Even baking is exhausting for me right now. And it’s my FAVOURITEST THING EVER. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m going to keep trying things, and hope that something works, but I feel like the idiot doing the same things over and over and expecting different results.
For today, I am going to limit myself to cooking a turkey and the fixin’s. I can handle that today. I might start to cry at some point during the preparation, that seems to happen pretty much every day these days. But I’ve accepted that and am drinking more water to compensate. It’s just part of who I am at the moment. I can’t help how I feel.
I can help how I react and communicate. My mother taught me to be grateful for the things that I have, and work toward the things I don’t have yet. While all this is going on inside me, I am still grateful for many things. I am grateful for Chad and my friends, far and wide, who let me know they’re thinking of me and are there for me if ever I need someone. My family, who have my best interests at heart, and help me chase the ducks who keep getting out of line. Sonny, who is an endless source of fluffy cuddles and entertainment and companionship. For my sense of humour, which I use to get myself out of pretty much any tense situation. Most of my situations are tense these days, so the self-depreciating humour is on point. I am grateful that I can look in the mirror anytime and see my mother’s face. And my grandmother’s face. It’s freaky. But it’s also awesome.
I am also grateful it’s Sunday and now that I’ve poured my heart out into blog, I’m tired and can take a nap.