Today, everything hurts. My arms, my legs, my back, my neck ,my head. My pride too. I felt like I was beginning to feel better, and two days ago, I had one of the worst panic attacks I’ve had in months, and it dragged me back down to the bottom of my mountain. It scares me that this is going to happen every so often, and I’m afraid that one of these falls won’t let me get back up. I know some days are good and some days are bad, but apparently there are also days that completely knock the piss out of you. Makes it hard to breathe. Makes it hard to concentrate. It also embarrasses the hell out of me when I can’t control my feelings and expressions and sometimes even physical movement. My boyfriend witnessed my meltdown yesterday… it was over a sewing project. Yes, a sewing project. Turning a bed sheet into a fucking skirt that fits my fat ass is apparently too much for my fragile little mind to handle and I lost. my. shit. My boyfriend flew out of his chair and held me until I stopped crying hysterically and hyperventilating. Petted my hair like I was a child, or a broken doll, whispered “it’ll be okay soon” over and over while kissing me and telling me how much he loves me. And thanks to the magic that is Chad, I eventually calmed down. But I can’t shake the embarrassed feeling I have, nor the guilty feeling I have about making him so uncomfortable. He, of course, says that’s not the case and he hugged me tighter, kissed me more, and was just there… quietly.
So, I can’t look at the sewing machine for a while. I’m too fucking fragile. I’m so frustrated. This isn’t me. The me I know and want back would just make a tighter fitting skirt, or throw the bed sheet away and start over if it was really not salvageable. But no, I melted like butter on a hotplate and I stayed messy and gross for a lot longer than I care to admit. It’s like climbing up a mountain on a slippery slope and having a gust of wind push you back down the hill, and you’re powerless to slow yourself down and by the time you stop, you’re exhausted, embarrassed, frustrated, angry, terrified, and just…. done. Now I have to start climbing again, exhausted and disappointed. I thought I was doing well, now I’ve taken two steps back and well, that pisses me off. Ain’t nobody got time for this shit. I need my life back.
So what can I do? I can’t believe how difficult this is to grab onto. I want to do so many things and I know they’ll all help me feel better; eat better, sleep better, go to the gym, do yoga, sew, cook, bake, go outside, see my friends… these are all things I know will help, and yet, I can’t even do them. I feel like I’m tied to a weight that keeps me down, and while I can see the answers, I can’t reach them.
I’m not as strong as I was led to believe.