I am very anxious today. I don’t know why. I woke up, excited to start the day, for the first time in a long time. Then, I found that Sonny had chewed on my electric toothbrush, the internet won’t let me send my print orders, my car’s engine light is on (yay), I drop nearly everything I pick up, and I’m so scatterbrained now, I hardly know which was is up.
I started making fudge. That’s not a euphemism for anything, I am actually making batches of fudge. Sweet, creamy, delicious fudge. And I have a bunch of it packaged and ready to go to the shop that’s going to start selling them, and now I can’t get there because Ludwig (my car) is being an asshole. His check engine light wasn’t on yesterday dammit.
To top it off, I forgot all about an appointment I had at 10 AM. I just remembered it now. (I’m sorry Scott… I’ll be in touch ASAP). Today has been an all around clusterfuck, and my chest feels like it’s bout to explode, along with my brain. The reason this is bothering me so much is that I used to be able to handle this silliness as if it’s no bog deal. Because it is no big deal. But I can’t process that. I feel like I should be getting stronger, getting more of a hold on my nerves and my low days. But I don’t. And that makes me mad. Which sets off my nerves. WHy am I so hard on myself? Why can’t I at least dial it back a bit. It’s getting in the way of my life! My work, my relationships. Dammit, I want ME back!