I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting lately. I know, I know… thinking… that’s a scary thought. Don’t fight it, it’s happening. It’s not as bad as it sounds. I think everyone should get the chance to go back and reexamine their lives and the things that have happened so that they can consciously focus on growing from them. Sometimes those things slip by us and fly under the radar and can have a profound effect on your life without you even knowing it. I’ve found a few skeletons in my closet that I think might have some bearing on who I was before my breakdown. Now it’s time to shed those old bad experiences, morph them into the better person I can be today.
I started a discussion with someone last night, a stranger on Facebook, and we got rather heated and end up making fools of ourselves. We both got very defensive and WAAAAAAY off topic, and well, we got mean. Previously in my life, I would have just gone back and deleted most of it, and hidden the fact that I could be a complete asshole. Or I would have just turned off the notifications and ignored it forever, like a bitch. Well, I said some things that could have really hurt this woman’s feelings. That was not cool. So, I apologized. And I had a cookie… my blood sugar came back up, and we calmed down. We chatted a bit after we’d calmed down and said sorry sheepishly, and I have to say, she was a very nice lady. The lesson I want to take away from this is that I can be a complete and utter fuckhead, and I need to own it when I do, and make amends if I can, and work on not being such a fuckhead in the future. Again, Maria, I am sorry.
So, once I found out that I had that layer to deal with, I won’t lie, I got a bit bummed out. I knew it was there, everyone has layers they don’t like. I’ve found a few, and I need to address them right away. I don’t want to be that kind of person.
A few years ago, a dear friend of mine treated me to the vacation of a lifetime. He flew me to Chicago, and presented me with the biggest culture shock of this country girl’s life. The people, the sights, the FOOD, the company, my brain still buzzes a bit when I think about it. An incredible experience, one I’ll never forget. And, somehow, I never said thank you.
We stopped talking for a long time and recently came back in touch. I asked him where we had gone wrong, and he told me. And I was stunned. And unbelievably disappointed in myself. And ashamed. My mother raised me to show gratitude for everything in my life, to appreciate the people around me, count my blessings, in whatever form they come. And I dropped the ball on that. I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. I can’t imagine how he felt.
Why am I telling you this? Well, because it’s a part of me. And if I’m going to really stick to my guns about an open and honest journey through all this, people who want to know should know about it. I can’t ever let this happen in my life again. My friends are the most important thing in my life, and in order to grow stronger and better, I need to stop looking inwardly and selfishly, and start appreciating the people who are there. They are there because they care about me, and I somehow stopped recognizing that. How did I let it happen? How could I not have seen what I was becoming?
I can’t answer this yet. But I realise I was not a very likeable person in my 20’s. I don’t want to be that person anymore.