2015 has been a rough year. My anxiety and depression have kept me in a rollercoaster of meltdowns and to be honest, it’s left me exhausted this December.
I’ve learned a lot about myself this year. Starting off the year, I was on stress leave, after literally breaking down to my absolute rock bottom just after Christmas. I was so bottled up and stressed and miserable on my birthday in 2014 that I lost my marbles, began sobbing on the line while working a dinner service, and getting so frustrated about the screaming in my brain that I stabbed some pork shanks in anger. I kind of scared the shit out of the other line cook (I’m sorry Colby) and the decision was immediately made to take sick leave. I had the full support of the hotel where I worked, they said they would do all they could to help me. Through resources at work, I got some help. I finally learned that I can’t deal with everything all by myself.
I hardly left the apartment. I was sad and sleeping most of the day and night. I ached. Everything hurt. Chad was afraid for me. He went with me to my appointments to make sure I went and he listened. He talked to me, and he listened. And he helped me solve problems I was having and helped me stand on my own, by encouraging every move I made.
I started back to work in May, and we took baby steps, because at first, I really felt fragile and on the edge. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to stand on my own two feet again, I’d fallen so hard, I didn’t want to tumble. I was still too hard on myself, and my boss stated the obvious to me one day when I got overwhelmed at work. He looked me straight in the eye and said, “you’re not responsible for EVERYTHING”. Lightbulb.
Since then I’ve been struggling to keep my cool, and not weigh myself down with things that aren’t my burden to bear. I had to let go of living my life for other people, and figure out who I was. Well, let me tell you, that is easier said than done.
So my new year’s resolution is not to make a resolution. I’m not going to spend 2016 trying to change things about myself when I should be learning about myself. I don’t even know myself and that’s just plain fucked up. I’m going into 2016 with some optimism, and we’ll see where the year takes me. I’m going to stumble, but if you’re there with me, I’ll get back up and keep going.