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Life of V

The journey from being broken to being queen

Month

January 2016

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

Hello friends,

 

I’m still in my rut. Failure to launch. I’ve been teetering on the edge of this pit of anxiety and depression. I’m scared to fall. I imagine it like the memory dump in Inside Out. I actually just watched that movie yesterday and holy crap is it ever cute. And I relate to it a lot. Of course, we want Joy to have control of the helm. But all of the core memories, no matter who’s touched it, builds us into who we are. I forgot to look back at the core memories that made me a good person because my depression had kept me from finding them. Depression only showed me the memories that were making my islands crumble.

I haven’t had a panic attack in a while. Something in my brain is trying to creep in and say “aren’t you due for a meltdown?” and I’m scared it will happen. Mostly because I feel like absolute dog shit when it’s over. I look stupid, I make a scene, I cry, I put up the walls and I flop into a fucking pile. I make everyone around me uncomfortable (I love you all for saying it doesn’t, but face it, it does… it’s making me very uncomfortable, it’s not a picnic for you, I am aware. I love you. And thank you for saying it) and I have enough of this shit on camera as it is. I don’t know how to make it better. But dammit, I am going to try. I’m tired of this bullshit.

Breathe. I need to remember to breathe. I go into autopilot and I forget that I’m not a robot. I’m not perfect. I don’t have to be perfect all the time. I can forget to clean a spot. I can be a few minutes late for something. I am allowed to not know something. Why is this so hard for me to remember? *sigh*

So, I try again. I reread my last post, and I want to focus on one of them since it is seeming pretty vital at the moment.

“I am aware that anxiety attacks are still a possibility, and depression will still be ever looming in the background, but I’m at a point in my life where I can adult better than I used to. I understand better than I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that was part of why I deteriorated. I’m not saying it was 100% the medication I was prescribed, I’m just saying something’s working, and I feel more in control of myself and my future. Drugs and positive reinforcement. And coffee. And classical music. And laughing. And coffee again. And talking about my everyday epiphanies. The lessons I have to learn over and over until they finally stick. And coffee again.”

I do like my coffee. Ha! I don’t know if it’s the chicory in my coffee or what, but every morning, I get a whiff of very crispy bacon when I take my first sip and as a fat girl, that makes me very happy.

I need to laugh. I need to listen to classical music. And I need to have everyday epiphanies. And I need positive reinforcement. I’m like a puppy being trained haha. I need to learn how to adult. It’s hard!

I’ll never not struggle with my mental illness. I can only take it day by day. I have to remind myself every day that I have come a long way and that setbacks are okay, as long as I learn from them and move forward instead of staying in the same place.

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So, my birthday came and went, uneventfully, which was how I wanted it. It was also the anniversary of my breakdown. Maybe I should have watched that security video while eating popcorn, to show myself how far I’ve come in a year, but to be honest, I’m not sure I’m ready.

I’ve been really sicky sick all week. A migraine, vomiting, I could barely move without feeling like throwing up. I caught a bug. I won’t say from whom, but he knows who he is, and he knows I’m not thrilled with it. I haven’t moved much this week, and it’s beginning to take a toll on my psyche. I’m anxious and irritable, tired and achy but itching to get up and do something. And I’ve honestly been too exhausted to talk about it, explain what’s going on, and that frustrates me even more. Chad and I talk all the time, about everything and nothing, I can tell him these things and he’s patient enough to let it take 10 minutes to get a sentence out, but I’m upset with myself for letting it bother me that I can’t. Again, I’m hard on myself. I’m allowed to have days when I just can’t. I just need to keep reminding myself.

I am anxious to get back to living again. This flu has taken a toll on me, it really has. I feel a bit emotionally fragile as a result, I almost feel like I’m on a hair trigger and I have no idea what that’s going to bring. Crying? Screaming? Anger? Not being able to get out of bed for a month? I’m okay with crying. The rest of it, not so much. That takes too much away from me. Crying just dehydrates me. And gives me a headache.

I actually had a really good cry yesterday. My best friend’s mom (my other momma growing up; I was in her house as much as I was in my own) gave me an incredible gift yesterday. She and my mom loved quilting and bonded over it for many years. Momma G (HA! That’s a good name… I’m going to have to show her this post, she’ll love this. She’s so gangsta LOL) made me a quilt with fabrics that were from my mother. It’s so homey and comfortable, it’s basically her in quilt form. Well, I had me a good cry over that, let me tell you. I may have ended up curled up with the quilt, sucking my thumb, but that’s a story for another time.9540_10156424323485068_5122246354572314878_n

Maybe that’s what I needed. To let it all out. Maybe I’ll start to feel better now. Holding on to stress and nagging thoughts and sadness is like shovelling shit against the tide (not sure where this came from, but mom said it all the time… mom-ism dictionary translates it to something being pointless. Like walking up the down escalator). Exhausting. That word describes my life sometimes. I can’t let that be the word that describes my life.

2016 shall be brighter. I will channel my inner Jean Luc Picard and “make it so”.

 

 

 

 

New Year’s Revolution

I used to make resolutions because I felt inadequate. Lose weight. Save money. Go to the gym. Read more novels. I was never enough. The last two years have absolutely ripped me apart, and coming back from such a low point meant changes that mattered. They didn’t start with a new year, they began whenever the hell they needed to.

Feeling inadequate was no longer an issue for me because I’d completely broken down and everyone in my life saw it and loved me anyway. I am  very blessed to have the friends I do. And I’m blessed to have a means to be able to connect with so many of them in a moment’s notice #yayinternet. So many people I’ve known throughout my life have reached out to help, encourage, or simply listen. They reminded me that they care about me and that I should be caring about me a little bit more too.

Things I learned in 2015 that I’m going to explore in 2016.

  1.  I’ve been told again that I should try stand-up comedy. Yeah, I’m pretty funny. But we’ll see where that goes. I want something a little different. Maybe I’ll start writing a one-woman show… get some burlesque and baking in there somehow….
  2. I can bake. Holy mother, can I bake. And it’s fun! And it’s something with which I can get creative. And potentially money making. Can I get a hell yeah?
  3. I give great hugs. I get the boobs right in there so it feels like you’re being hugged by a warm pillow with arms. There will be hugging in 2016. Mark my words.
  4. I like to sing but I cannot sing. Thank you to everyone who has heard my caterwauling and hasn’t said anything. I know how bad I am. I’m going to sing anyway.
  5. I love how I feel when I’m outdoors. I’m not talking about when I’m outside, walking to work or whatever. Nature outdoors. If I’m going to get into any kind of shape, it will be in the wilderness.
  6. I am aware that anxiety attacks are still a possibility, and depression will still be ever looming in the background, but I’m at a point in my life where I can adult better than I used to. I understand better than I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that was part of why I deteriorated. I’m not saying it was 100% the medication I was prescribed, I’m just saying something’s working, and I feel more in control of myself and my future. Drugs and positive reinforcement. And coffee. And classical music. And laughing. And coffee again. And talking about my everyday epiphanies. The lessons I have to learn over and over until they finally stick. And coffee again.
  7. I need to let to of who I used to be, so I can become who I can become.

So, 2016 is my chance to spread my wings and see if I am strong enough to fly.

 

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