I used to make resolutions because I felt inadequate. Lose weight. Save money. Go to the gym. Read more novels. I was never enough. The last two years have absolutely ripped me apart, and coming back from such a low point meant changes that mattered. They didn’t start with a new year, they began whenever the hell they needed to.
Feeling inadequate was no longer an issue for me because I’d completely broken down and everyone in my life saw it and loved me anyway. I am very blessed to have the friends I do. And I’m blessed to have a means to be able to connect with so many of them in a moment’s notice #yayinternet. So many people I’ve known throughout my life have reached out to help, encourage, or simply listen. They reminded me that they care about me and that I should be caring about me a little bit more too.
Things I learned in 2015 that I’m going to explore in 2016.
- I’ve been told again that I should try stand-up comedy. Yeah, I’m pretty funny. But we’ll see where that goes. I want something a little different. Maybe I’ll start writing a one-woman show… get some burlesque and baking in there somehow….
- I can bake. Holy mother, can I bake. And it’s fun! And it’s something with which I can get creative. And potentially money making. Can I get a hell yeah?
- I give great hugs. I get the boobs right in there so it feels like you’re being hugged by a warm pillow with arms. There will be hugging in 2016. Mark my words.
- I like to sing but I cannot sing. Thank you to everyone who has heard my caterwauling and hasn’t said anything. I know how bad I am. I’m going to sing anyway.
- I love how I feel when I’m outdoors. I’m not talking about when I’m outside, walking to work or whatever. Nature outdoors. If I’m going to get into any kind of shape, it will be in the wilderness.
- I am aware that anxiety attacks are still a possibility, and depression will still be ever looming in the background, but I’m at a point in my life where I can adult better than I used to. I understand better than I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that was part of why I deteriorated. I’m not saying it was 100% the medication I was prescribed, I’m just saying something’s working, and I feel more in control of myself and my future. Drugs and positive reinforcement. And coffee. And classical music. And laughing. And coffee again. And talking about my everyday epiphanies. The lessons I have to learn over and over until they finally stick. And coffee again.
- I need to let to of who I used to be, so I can become who I can become.
So, 2016 is my chance to spread my wings and see if I am strong enough to fly.