I’m still in my rut. Failure to launch. I’ve been teetering on the edge of this pit of anxiety and depression. I’m scared to fall. I imagine it like the memory dump in Inside Out. I actually just watched that movie yesterday and holy crap is it ever cute. And I relate to it a lot. Of course, we want Joy to have control of the helm. But all of the core memories, no matter who’s touched it, builds us into who we are. I forgot to look back at the core memories that made me a good person because my depression had kept me from finding them. Depression only showed me the memories that were making my islands crumble.
I haven’t had a panic attack in a while. Something in my brain is trying to creep in and say “aren’t you due for a meltdown?” and I’m scared it will happen. Mostly because I feel like absolute dog shit when it’s over. I look stupid, I make a scene, I cry, I put up the walls and I flop into a fucking pile. I make everyone around me uncomfortable (I love you all for saying it doesn’t, but face it, it does… it’s making me very uncomfortable, it’s not a picnic for you, I am aware. I love you. And thank you for saying it) and I have enough of this shit on camera as it is. I don’t know how to make it better. But dammit, I am going to try. I’m tired of this bullshit.
Breathe. I need to remember to breathe. I go into autopilot and I forget that I’m not a robot. I’m not perfect. I don’t have to be perfect all the time. I can forget to clean a spot. I can be a few minutes late for something. I am allowed to not know something. Why is this so hard for me to remember? *sigh*
So, I try again. I reread my last post, and I want to focus on one of them since it is seeming pretty vital at the moment.
“I am aware that anxiety attacks are still a possibility, and depression will still be ever looming in the background, but I’m at a point in my life where I can adult better than I used to. I understand better than I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that was part of why I deteriorated. I’m not saying it was 100% the medication I was prescribed, I’m just saying something’s working, and I feel more in control of myself and my future. Drugs and positive reinforcement. And coffee. And classical music. And laughing. And coffee again. And talking about my everyday epiphanies. The lessons I have to learn over and over until they finally stick. And coffee again.”
I do like my coffee. Ha! I don’t know if it’s the chicory in my coffee or what, but every morning, I get a whiff of very crispy bacon when I take my first sip and as a fat girl, that makes me very happy.
I need to laugh. I need to listen to classical music. And I need to have everyday epiphanies. And I need positive reinforcement. I’m like a puppy being trained haha. I need to learn how to adult. It’s hard!
I’ll never not struggle with my mental illness. I can only take it day by day. I have to remind myself every day that I have come a long way and that setbacks are okay, as long as I learn from them and move forward instead of staying in the same place.