… 7 months was the last time I felt the urge to write.
That stinks. I love writing. I’m pretty good at it. But then things pile up, the snowball effect, and life kinda gets away from you for a moment… or a few months.
But I did a thing. In the last 7 months, I’ve left one job… a job I was at for nearly 3 years… and took a stab in the dark at something I never thought I’d have the courage to do.
I applied for a restaurant manager job.
I’ve been working in kitchens for a loooooooong time, nearly 15 years. I know how kitchens run. So, when job searching, an ad caught my eye and made me a bit excited. Restaurant manager. “ooh, wouldn’t that be nice?” I thought. And almost immediately, the anxiety and poor self esteem and negative thoughts that have plagued me my whole life came in and said “you’ve got no experience managing, they’ll never even consider you” and “you can’t run a kitchen. You’ve never done it before”. I almost didn’t give it a second look.
But I mentioned it to Chad. 🙂
And off it went from there. I’ve never had a cheerleader in my life who pushes me to do the things I never thought I could do. He makes me want to be better, yet still loves me the way I am. Broken and twitchy and moody as fuck. He still loves me.
He and I are coming up on 6 years together. He’s seen me at my worst, the lowest moment of my life, and he stood by me and held me together and helped me be strong. He doesn’t seem to mind that I’m a bit mentally unstable; he’s been able to maneuver through my anxiety and pull me from the weeds to keep going. I’ve never trusted another human being more in my entire life. I love him so much.
He also believes in me like no one else has (save for maybe my mum). He encouraged the crap out of me and lo and behold, I sent my resumé for the manager job. Being the way I am, I was upfront in telling them I had no actual managerial experience, but I knew my way around a restaurant. I also wore a really cute skirt to my interview 😉 (that perfect red one Brittany!!!) The owner of the business was at the interview and well, let me tell you, that was pretty intimidating. But something in my mind said “fuck it. I’ve got as good a chance as anyone!” and away I went.
And you know what? She HIRED me!
Can I get a hell yes!
So, I’ve been managing a burger restaurant in Bedford for the last 5 months. I’ve also been managing my mental health pretty well these last few months. I mean, I’ve had some setbacks, a couple of panic attacks that crashed into me outta nowhere, and I’ve been battling this ever-looming sense of anxiety and an internalized pressure cooker of needing to be strong and perfect and have everything together and have everyone love me and constantly impressing people. Yeah. There’s always that. But I’m learning how to talk to my inner demons and tell them to shut the fuck up. I’m fine. I really am. It’s a constant battle, and I’m exhausted all the time. But I’m actually doing it! And I’m even learning to enjoy myself in my downtime. I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I have learned a lot in the last few months. Not only have I learned the ins and outs of managing a restaurant, I’ve learned to place more trust in my co-workers instead of listening to the voice within saying it’s always a competition and a ruthless one at that. See? My mind is fucked up. The people I work with are wonderful and supportive and they actually seem to like me 🙂 *nervous laughter* (That’s my brain telling me that people just “tolerate” me for the sake of getting through the day and never giving me a second thought… I tell ya…. fucked. up.)
I’m learning how to tell those thoughts apart from my own thoughts. My depression is always hanging out in the background, trying to make me believe the worst in everything, including myself. It’s a constant struggle that’s really hard to describe. Waterboarding with negativity, doom and gloom, basically. But I’m beginning to loosen the restraints. I’m finding my job rather enjoyable, it’s a mix of customer service, cooking, math, food science, psychic prediction, being a know-it-all (which I loooooove haha), and I get to go shopping every week for certain things (and I loooove hanging out at the wholesale clubs. I find so much cool stuff to come back and buy on my days off haha). I also get to hang out all day with a pretty awesome, yet somewhat rambunctious group of people. The staff at the restaurant is full of personality, a good melting pot of delightful weirdos who are good at their jobs 🙂 I love each and every one of them like they were my own kids, even though they’re not kids. Not kids. Young adults with waaaaaaaaaay more energy than I’ve got, but it’s awesome. We made over 3000 specialty burgers for Burger Week and everyone survived as a team. I am beyond impressed. We’re gonna do 4000 next year. I haven’t told them that yet though 😉
So there it is… my last few months, in a nutshell. Came to a fork in the road, I decided to go in a different direction. I thought I got lost, but it turns out, I was just making a new road for myself. I’ll keep you updated as to where I end up 😉