34 – Saving myself from myself

I turned 34 years old yesterday.

Fuck.

It has affected me differently than I anticipated. I guess I thought I would be a different person by this age. But then again, I should have figured out that I wasn’t going to follow a regular path in life.

I have a lot of things to work through in the coming year, then perhaps by 35, I will recognise myself a little better.

I have started my journey again with mental health services, am trying medications (that in itself is a journey) to see if we can’t calm things down a bit so I can get my footing under me and move forward. It started off on a sour note, but I guess I can get over that. I want to be stronger, live my life instead of simply existing, and I think the connections I am making through mental health services, I can learn where to focus my healing so it gets easier to take on the day.

I fell into kind of a rut this December, and I’m both embarrassed by it and frustrated that I fell back into that trap. I feel the need to worry endlessly about the worst case scenario in every situation, no matter how relaxed the atmosphere. I don’t enjoy the things I used to enjoy because I’m a tensed up ball of anxiety and overwhelming sadness and emotions I don’t know how to identify let alone express. I can’t describe how numbing and exhausting this circus is.

I’ve been told that New Year’s is the worst time to make resolutions, because you won’t stick to them or something blah, blah, blah. Everything has kind of conveniently converged at this time frame for me, so I guess I’m going to make some New Year’s Resolutions.

  1. Learn how to communicate my feelings without alienating anyone.
  2. Learn to treat myself like I would treat other people. It has been mentioned to me more than once that I talk down to myself, berate myself when something goes wrong, basically treat myself like a lesser person, all things I would never do to another human being…
  3. Have conversations with people about my anxiety and depression. It’s not going to just go away because I have read a few chapters and do a few exercises involving writing letters that will never be sent or meditating and focusing on breathing for a few minutes a day. This shit is exhausting to try and work through on your own. Having people who are willing to listen and help me figure it out is a blessing I do not intend to take for granted.
  4. Have conversations with people about something other than my anxiety and depression. The last few months have been particularly shitty for me. I have had a lot of people reach out and I am so grateful. They have helped me heal and grow. I am looking forward to brighter topics with these people in 2018.
  5. Do more fun things with my friends and family. I spent much of 2017 in hermit mode. I have a lot of things to deal with , but I want to make 2018 the year of not hiding away. I expect this one will be one of the hardest resolutions for me.

I think that’s a good starting point. Baby steps, as they say. My mental health worker can already see it in me. I asked her why she didn’t just give me a copy of the workbook from which she was giving me chapters. She said it was because she knew I’d read it all in a day and try to do everything at once and basically short circuit. I guess I’m pretty easy to read, eh?

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